space to fill

sitting in a hostel in quebec city thinking about ways to be a better human being: to make better use of my time, to appreciate more, to be more full.

there is a lot of space between home and quebec city to fill.

cross country

Tomorrow, we are going to get into our little car and drive clear across the country.  I know my heart belongs on the land, and I am so happy to be able to free it into the western sky, bring it down to the rocky earth and deep lakes of lower Canada, and let it skip out over the Altantic ocean.  It wants to sing with excitement; it hums its anticipation in my chest.

he and i will wear sunglasses
hold hands in the car
stare out at a slowly shifting horizon
until we reach the sea

We will carve a path across the land, through such an enormous, wild and beautiful place, until we cannot go any further.  And I will keep my eyes open as long as I can and take in as much as I can until my heart and head are fullfullfull of our wilderness, our boundless potential.  We are so lucky.

the pigeon in the road

today in the middle of the road i saw a decapitated pigeon. it was lying on its back, clawed feet slack, downy feathers viridescent in the way pigeons' feathers sort of shimmer like northern lights.

it was startling.

i wondered where its head went.

and these days i feel the same as the pigeon in the road. not that i feel dead -- just that i wonder where my head is, too.

here is the way to live your life

When you should be in the city, in the thick of things, driving in cars through congested streets, the air hot with engines and exhaust, leave.

Drive out to the lake with your mom, don't even listen to music on the way, just talk to each other.

Make lemon-saskatoon-berry muffins and drink a beer on the deck.

When you know you should be working, do a little bit -- it helps if your mom sits at the big kitchen table with you and works on her sewing project at the same time -- but then go for a walk up the beach when she suggests it.

Stop judging your own body. Change into your new bathing suit, look in the mirror, think "this is what I look like," and move on.  

Lie down on the beach and read a book while your mom sits under an umbrella commenting on the weather and let your skin feel the wind coming off the lake and the sun warming the backs of your legs and try to remember to stay in the moment, because your laptop awaits and so does the work and you've left a messy house at home with dishes on the counter, and you haven't been getting enough exercise, and you haven't made enough money this month, and you haven't had time to find a place for all of your disorganized things in your little house, and you haven't spent enough time with friends.

All manner of things will be well.

diversions

It's summertime and it's hot out and the house is a mess and the garden remains largely unplanted.

I feel busy and slow at the same time.  I am having trouble focusing, problems with productivity.  I feel guilty about my own relative uselessness, but at the same time I am loathe to finish tasks.

It is a strange and altogether uncomfortable feeling.

one-thirty

I am listening to the pet budgie climbing around in his cage in the dark, trying to get comfortable, unable to sleep.  I know he likes to sleep at awkward angles, legs splayed, head cocked, somewhere in the top corners of his cage.  Tonight the usual places just won't work.

I understand him well.

steps to living life today

in the midst of feeling like the least productive person ever

i will change out of my pajamas
i will get in the car
i will work the afternoon away

and then i will go on a long, rambling ride on my horse by myself or with friends, because that is something that i really like to do.