a truth

This is the truth of it: I feel sad.

I had a lovely weekend with my best friends on our annual pilgrimage to Spruce Meadows to sit in the sun together and watch beautiful horses jump incredible courses. It has always been a carefree time where we can be ourselves and be involved in something we've always loved, and the thing that brought us together as friends in the first place. I am grateful for their company. I am buoyed by all of the laughter this weekend, and the fact that this trip still delivered on its promise of being wonderful.

But going there always makes me re-evaluate my life with horses (which used to just be my life). What am I doing with my horse? Will I ever show again? Who will coach me? Will my friends come too? Will anything ever be the same? Am I truly alone in this, after so many years of doing it together?

I often worry that I am truly incapable of letting go of the past and moving forward on my own.

Mostly I just miss her, and that is a truth that will remain forever. A sadness that seems to stretch onwards out of sight.