Thursday, June 30, 2011

here is the way to live your life

When you should be in the city, in the thick of things, driving in cars through congested streets, the air hot with engines and exhaust, leave.

Drive out to the lake with your mom, don't even listen to music on the way, just talk to each other.

Make lemon-saskatoon-berry muffins and drink a beer on the deck.

When you know you should be working, do a little bit -- it helps if your mom sits at the big kitchen table with you and works on her sewing project at the same time -- but then go for a walk up the beach when she suggests it.

Stop judging your own body. Change into your new bathing suit, look in the mirror, think "this is what I look like," and move on.  

Lie down on the beach and read a book while your mom sits under an umbrella commenting on the weather and let your skin feel the wind coming off the lake and the sun warming the backs of your legs and try to remember to stay in the moment, because your laptop awaits and so does the work and you've left a messy house at home with dishes on the counter, and you haven't been getting enough exercise, and you haven't made enough money this month, and you haven't had time to find a place for all of your disorganized things in your little house, and you haven't spent enough time with friends.

All manner of things will be well.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

diversions

It's summertime and it's hot out and the house is a mess and the garden remains largely unplanted.

I feel busy and slow at the same time.  I am having trouble focusing, problems with productivity.  I feel guilty about my own relative uselessness, but at the same time I am loathe to finish tasks.

It is a strange and altogether uncomfortable feeling.

Monday, June 27, 2011

one-thirty

I am listening to the pet budgie climbing around in his cage in the dark, trying to get comfortable, unable to sleep.  I know he likes to sleep at awkward angles, legs splayed, head cocked, somewhere in the top corners of his cage.  Tonight the usual places just won't work.

I understand him well.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

steps to living life today

in the midst of feeling like the least productive person ever

i will change out of my pajamas
i will get in the car
i will work the afternoon away

and then i will go on a long, rambling ride on my horse by myself or with friends, because that is something that i really like to do.

Monday, June 20, 2011

apres moi, le deluge

It has been raining for four days.

Last night we stood on the front porch and watched the downpour.  Rain you could hardly see through.  The tiny pepper plants looked dismayed.  Overwhelmed.

This weather calls for drawing inward.  Curling up and settling in.

But there is no time for that.

eight days later

after all of that running around
passing plastic to so many cashiers
being so careful about shades of green
and blades of grass
and spots on apples

after such a string of late nights
and early mornings
and too much coffee
getting rollers in my hair
and nail polish on my toes

after such a long day
after seeing so much beauty
and feeling so much love
and wanting to fall asleep
for eighteen days

here is what is left:

your arm slung across my shoulders
in bed this sunday morning

your sleepy smile and slow kisses
and your feet on my feet to keep them warm

the promises we made to each other last week
and the rings on our fingers

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

last saturday

This past Saturday, I got married.  Outside, under a beautiful sky in my home town with my family and best friends all there to see it happen.  

And now I get to move all of my things (those familiar bits of my life I've carried around with me all these years) into our cozy house and start to make it our home.

I think about the house I grew up in and imagine that one day this house will be like that -- the backdrop to so much living.

I love Eric so much.  I can't wait to find out what our life will be like.