on missing you

the sun was setting on a perfect day
and you were gone.  we were lying
on the grass watching horses graze,
tired of talking about it, our hearts
too sore to remind each other.
weaving grass through our fingers
listening to birds singing evening songs
and you were dying across town, giving up.

my life without you is a reality
that will never feel okay, never
be acceptable.  every day i think of you
and your smile from the driver's seat
of your old green truck and my heart
tries to push right out of my chest,
it's so sore for you.  for the lack of you.
for the lack of myself -- without you.

and for once i'd like to go on living my life
without this shadow of loss, it's a burden
too heavy.  your absence is simply too much
for me to carry every day.  for once
i'd like to think about God and the world
and my placement in it and feel a little less small.

today it's june 1, four years later --
today is not the day to feel bigger, better.
it's another day in the four-year string of days
i've missed you since you left.